coaching

I’ve talked quite a bit lately about performance feedback because it’s “that time of year”, especially for managers who don’t talk to their team members until they’re absolutely forced to “complete the forms and come up with a rating”.  It’s too bad that this happens, but unfortunately, it does.

Receiving feedback can hurt if it’s not completely positive.  The reason for this is that most of us come to work and try to do our very best.  We want to be the best at all we do.  Hearing that we felt short in some regard is painful to hear even if that feedback is delivered with great care, let alone rushed as part of a “check the box” activity.

Here are a few tips to help you accept feedback in a way that helps you rather than scars you.

Know what is and isn’t feedback

If your manager says something such as “you think you’re better than everyone else” or “you’re just not engaged”, this isn’t feedback.  These are judgements.  If your manager says things like this to you, ask your manager to clarify what behaviors you demonstrate that are giving this impression and affecting your impact.  It might sound like this: “Can you help me understand what it is that I do that gives you this impression?  I’d like to better understand how to improve.”  The idea here is to help understand what it is that you do so that you can assess if it’s something you wish to or can change.

If you hear “you’re great”, know that this too isn’t feedback.  In this situation maybe you could say “thank you so much.  If you were to select one or two specific things you appreciated about my performance, what might those be?  I want to be sure to keep doing great work.”

If, on the other hand, your manager says, “you’ve missed several key deadlines this year and it’s negatively impacted all of us.”  This is direct feedback that describes where you fell short.  The manager should then describe what’s needed from you in the future.  If that’s not shared with you, ask about it so that you know what’s expected going forward.   It’s possible there’s some information that wasn’t shared with the manager that would change her opinion so share that if that’s the case.

Reflect

Reflect on the feedback you receive.  Talk to a trusted friend/colleague and ask them if the feedback has some merit. Is this the first time you’ve heard this kind of feedback?  Really take some time in this space; it will be time well spent and I promise it’ll sting a little less over time.

If you’re struggling to understand the feedback, go back to your manager and genuinely express what you’re trying to understand.  If you agree with the feedback, then talk to your manager about the ways you’ll modify your behavior and ask for help where it’s needed.  If you don’t agree then share why that’s the case using facts and data.

Yes, Feedback is a Gift

Even when we receive several positive pieces of feedback, we often decide to belabor the one piece of constructive feedback shared with us.  We walk away thinking that we’ve somehow failed leaving both you and your manager feeling awful.

With over forty years of experience, I can tell you that when people allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to you to tell you what you can work on to have greater impact, think of it as a gift.  Yes, it can hurt, but now you know what might be getting in the way of your success.  With knowledge comes the power to change.  As I look back on my career, I’m so grateful for people being honest about where I fell short because then I could do something about it.  That’s true for you too.