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Authenticity Reawakened

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Leaders-Stop Name-Calling

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Leaders-please stop name-calling. By this, I mean telling people that they’re being defensive, too assertive, lacking confidence, etc. When you call people names, you aren’t helping them succeed (this is your primary job as a leader) and you’re shutting them down. They don’t know what behavior needs attention; they just know that you don’t approve of them and they’re falling short of your expectations.

When you catch yourself name-calling, think about your intention. Are you trying to put them in their place because they’re threatening you? Are you calling a woman who is working really hard “too intense” because she’s working harder than you are willing or able to work?

Keep feedback based on behavior. Instead of “you’re too intense”, maybe something such as “when you are solely focused on getting the work done you aren’t listening to the team’s concerns which makes them feel unappreciated and unduly stressed. Here is a suggestion that might help…..

People need to feel supported at work-it’s actually what leading is all about.

If I can help you lead more effectively, please contact me.

VZblog719

Protect Your Most Precious Resource – Your Time

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I’m self-employed and recently took two weeks off.  I didn’t work at all and spent time with my family.  And guess what?  It was a challenge to allow myself the time without feeling guilty about unfinished work – work that I control 100% of the time.

Before I dive into tips that might help all of us, I want to share the following story.  Our family was watching old family movies while they were visiting.  Waves of nostalgia came over me as I watched them with their toy kitchens, play with our long-since deceased dogs and go about the simple things that families do as they celebrate milestones together.

Something else caught my eye as well.  In every video, I look completely exhausted.  Not just tired, exhausted.  I barely recognized the person in the videos, and it broke my heart to see myself.  I was present for my family, but not myself.  I was raising children, working hard to keep my marriage healthy, going to school, and working full-time.  It was just too much, but I didn’t have the tools to ask for help or even to admit that I needed it.

Luckily, I am much healthier now than then although my recent guilt trip helped me to realize that I’m simply a person in recovery who must continue to work at guilt-free relaxing. I’m blessed to coach executives, and I see so much of myself in them more times than not.  They’re driven to succeed but I want them to know that downtime is absolutely a requirement for good physical and mental health.

With the above in mind, here are a few tips that I hope will help you (and serve as a reminder to myself) value and protect downtime.

Schedule your work hours

Don’t deviate from that schedule unless there’s an urgent matter that needs your attention.  When you work at home it’s easy to let work and life commingle more than is healthy.  When your scheduled time is done, shut down all technology and be present in your personal life.

Schedule breaks and lunch

These don’t need to be long breaks, but take a walk, exercise, eat a healthy lunch, chat with a friend, etc.  Put these times in your calendar.

Unplug from Work When on Vacation

Let people know that you are not available unless it’s an absolute emergency.  Think of vacation time as healthcare.

Learn to Say No

Every time you say yes to something, know that you’re saying no to something that may be far more important to your life.  Trust me, the more you do this, the better you will feel and the better you’ll get at not feeling guilty.

Know You Can’t Do It All

You might be guilty of thinking that if you don’t do it, no one else will, or at least they won’t do it as well as you would have.  Does it really matter if that’s true?  I learned that at work other people could do what I could, or they were capable of learning.  And at home, let me tell you, I was a lot happier when I accepted that my husband would never fold a fitted sheet as well as I could, but it didn’t matter.

Ask for Help

I am terrible at asking for help of any kind.  I know from helping others that it’s an honor to help.  Ask for the help you need.

Life is short. Do the stuff that really matters and let go of the rest; it’s not serving you.  It certainly wasn’t serving that young woman I saw in the home videos last week.

Big hug.  If I can help you, please contact me through my social media links.

VZ621

Just Because It’s Said Doesn’t Make It True

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If I told you that you were a unicorn, would you believe it? Probably not. While it’s not likely that you’ve been accused of being a unicorn, I would bet that you’ve been told you’re something else that’s also not true and ideally you won’t believe that either.  And yet we often do.

Years ago, as I was working to build my career, I was focused on doing the highest quality work possible. I am by nature a serious person as well as an introvert.  Take those two qualities and add a pressing deadline and I can seem aloof and unfriendly. Someone who doesn’t know me well might label me any number of things, but that doesn’t mean they’re true. Conversely, if we’re called something like superwoman or superstar, it’s not necessarily true either is it?

I’ll never fully understand how someone could feel entitled enough to label anyone negatively or to be bold enough to declare how someone else is feeling, but it happens.  So, what do you do when it happens to you?  Here are some tips:

  1. Ask yourself if you care what they say. If you don’t care, then let it go, no further action required.

  2. Is it true? If there’s any truth to what’s being said, it may be worth it to you to understand why you’re behaving in a certain way and whether that behavior is against your values.

  3. Decide what you should do (modify your behavior, apologize, explain, etc.) and do it.

One thing you shouldn’t do, however, is enable someone to treat you disrespectfully. I am a firm believer that people will treat you in a way that you allow. So, if someone is disrespectful, calls you names, tells you what they think you are, etc., stop them immediately. Let them know that it’s unacceptable to call you names, label you, etc.  You can do that by saying “you cannot speak to me that way”.

 

I want you to know that when you know yourself, you believe yourself more than you believe others when it comes to knowing who you are.  I know I’m not arrogant and, as a result, I couldn’t care less if someone who doesn’t know or like me calls me arrogant.  If someone tells you you’re lazy or uncaring or anything else and you know it’s not true, trust yourself to know your truth.

 

When you know who you are and what matters the most to you, you will quiet a lot of the negativity and judgment that may come your way.  Time is precious.  Don’t spend it feeling bad about yourself because someone who doesn’t care about you said something negative.  Remember, just because they say it, doesn’t make it true.

 

Take good care!

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Five Steps to Making Your Dream a Reality

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I love Martin Luther King Jr.’s quote “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step” because so many dreams die simply because that first step was never taken. Over the years I’ve seen people become incredibly adept at explaining why something can’t be done because they’ve focused on all the things that might get in their way. I once read a quote that said something like “whatever you think about grows.” I know people who are experts at knowing why things can’t be done. Don’t let that be you. All of us have dreams, so how what are some ways that we can bring them to life? Here are a few tips that I hope will help you.

1. Identify your dream

This sounds simple, but it’s the most crucial step you can take. A question that might help you get started is “What Do I Want to Have/Do/Feel/Realize/Achieve?” Write it down and then sit with it for a few days to make sure it feels right to you.

2. Verify that it’s your dream and not someone else’s dream

So many people follow other people’s dreams for themselves. Make sure that your dream is yours and no one else’s.

3. Consider what it’ll take to achieve your dream

List a few things that are required for your dream to come to life. Consider some simple steps forward you can take right away that aren’t overwhelming. These steps can include things like talking to or reading about people who have already achieved your dream or researching requirements for a specific job. Write it all down so you have it on paper (I’m old-school in this regard but use technology if that works best for you). Put the requirements in the form of steps starting with the easiest.

4. Imagine what it’ll feel like when you have achieved your goal

Thinking as positively as you can, imagine yourself having achieved your dream. What will it feel like for you? How will it change your life? Write these things down and come back to them when you need to remind yourself why the goal is important.

5. Take the first step

Hold yourself accountable for completing the steps you created in item 3 above. Of course, we all fall short sometimes, but don’t let yourself fall short so often that you lose sight of your dream. If you need help, ask for it. People are honored to help you. If you stumble, know that everyone stumbles from time to time. Get back up and keep going for goodness sakes.

You might be wondering why a person who wrote about authenticity talks so much about goals. I believe that living an authentic life is all about knowing what you want and going for it. I know from experience that living someone else’s life isn’t very fulfilling and it certainly doesn’t lead to realizing your purpose.

With the above in mind, I’m going to share one last suggestion. Know that you deserve to have and achieve your dreams. As is true for most things in life, you’re going to have to earn the life you desire, but once you do, there’s such a sense of fulfillment and peace. In the end, I think that’s what we all strive for while here on this planet.

Never give up my friends. If you have a dream, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to achieve it, it just matters that you do. I wish you the very best.

VZ67

Five Ways to Be More Authentic

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In my book I share one hundred ways to be authentic at the back of the book, but today I’m going to focus on just five.

First, let’s dive into in my working definition of authenticity:
Know Who You Are, Know What Matters Most to You and Show up in the world in a way that reflects that to the extent you wish to do so.

The above definition dispels the myth that being authentic means that you must tell your life story to everyone you meet or that you must be completely transparent about everything. My definition places the emphasis on YOU because it’s important that YOU know what is important to you and that you make decisions that reflect those priorities and values.
In other words, I don’t think you can be authentic even to yourself if you haven’t reflected on your life and your values. Absent a compass to guide you, others will tell you where you want to go and what should be important to you. My book helps you complete this important work.

Ok, so here are some ways to be more authentic in general:
Don’t say “yes” if you really mean “no”
I can’t tell you how many times people say yes to something they know they don’t want to do. Why? They don’t want others to feel bad or to think less of them. Try to remember that you can say no with kindness and that every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. There’s only so much time in a day. You want to be sure that you’re saying yes to your priorities.

Say you’re sorry, but only if you truly mean it
So many people (especially women!) apologize for things they don’t need to apologize for at all. Pay attention to how often you do this and remind yourself that unless you’ve done something that deserves an apology, there’s no need to apologize. If, on the other hand, you do mean to apologize, do it with heart and then let it go.

Believe that you deserve good things in life and work
Often, we have a hard time accepting good things and will sometimes even sabotage ourselves so we don’t get them. Each of us deserves good things and when they happen for you, accept them with grace.

Don’t gossip
At the heart of strong relationships is trust. If someone has shared something in confidence with you, honor the confidence they’ve placed in you. If you break other people’s confidence, they will quickly learn that you’re not to be trusted. It takes a long time to build trust, but it’s impossible to regain it if it’s lost. Besides that, gossiping seems like a waste of precious time.

Look in the Mirror from time to time
We can often fool lots of people, but it’s difficult to fool ourselves. Looking in the mirror and asking yourself if you’re living up to your values and purpose will give you the answers you need. Self-reflection is such an important aspect of authenticity because we are always on the run and it’s easy to lose ourselves in other people’s priorities. Please take time to check in with yourself so that when you’re not doing the things you should be doing, you can self-correct sooner rather than later.

I hope that you find something helpful with the above; it’s my intention to help where I can do so. Have a great week everyone and if you’ve used some of these suggestions, please let me know what you discovered!

VZMAY24

Make A Decision or Someone Else Will

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Anne Carson has said, “Sometimes a journey makes itself necessary.” Here’s what my mom would’ve said after reading that one: “Ain’t it the truth!”

It’s human nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Pain is often associated with change regardless of whether this change is part of our work or other aspects of our lives. I’ve seen countless instances in my own life and in the lives of others where we do all we can to hold onto the status quo and avoid deciding for fear that having to do so will be too disruptive.

Unfortunately, the reality is that not deciding is a decision on its own. In my book, I shared that Oprah talked about being frustrated with countless guests for not paying attention to their lives. She mentioned that not listening to our life’s whispers results in the whispers getting louder and louder until eventually something comes crashing down. This is what it’s like when we don’t own our lives and make deliberate decisions. When we step back and let someone else decide for us what we should become, what we should do, what we should wear, say, be, etc.

I’ve met with countless people over the years who have been frustrated that someone didn’t offer them a job, despite the fact they never expressed an interest. Others have stayed in a job that they clearly dislike but they don’t leave because they’re afraid to leave. Often what happens is that they don’t perform well, or they become so nervous about failing that they don’t exhibit their strengths and lose their jobs because someone else decided their fate for them.

Owning your life takes effort and courage without a doubt.

In my blog, I share a lot of information about knowing what you want. It’s so important because when you know what you want, you start trusting your own instincts about what’s possible for you and how you can go about getting it. You stop relying on others to tell you what you want or when you should leave or what you’re worth.

Owning your life takes effort and courage without a doubt. It also takes effort to tolerate other people diminishing you, squashing your dreams, and paying you less than you’re worth. I hope you put your effort into going forward and realizing the life you want to live. It’s really the only way to understand and realize your purpose.

 

VZ - 2022 Quotes

Love What You Do

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I wholeheartedly believe that to be good at anything, you must put in the work required to do so. Some must work harder than others but it is work, nonetheless. I have found that everything in my career took work. I had no experience with even ever talking to someone in a corporate role before I found myself in a corporate environment. I did not understand corporate culture or politics. I did not understand the role that shareholders played or even what role the stock market played for corporations. I knew absolutely nothing.

My ignorance aside, what I knew without a doubt was that I loved business. There was something so exciting to me about it. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to work in business. But because I knew so little about business, “working” in business meant typing. It was all that I knew existed and that was good enough for me. I just wanted to be in the mix; I did not care what I did while there. All this is to say that there was a passion for that world that existed before I knew what was possible for me in it.

“There is great possibility that we simply are not doing the work that speaks to us.”

Of course, once I got into the business, I could not get enough of it. I still cannot; I will forever be fascinated with how organizations operate.
Steve Jobs gave an inspirational speech at Stanford University years ago. This is one of my favorite quotes from that speech:
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.

It seems that in recent years we have found countless things wrong with organizations and their leaders. I’m not saying they’re not without fault, but I wonder if sometimes when we’re pointing out all of the problems with “them”, that we’re not asking ourselves why things aren’t working or why they’re not fulfilling us.

There is great possibility that we simply are not doing the work that speaks to us. Sometimes reaching this conclusion is painful, especially if you have spent thousands on your education or are trying to fulfill someone else’s dreams for your life. I started this blog today with the hope of conveying that everything good in life takes hard work. Relationships take work. Long relationships take an enormous amount of work.

Achieving excellence in work takes hard work over many years. If you are going to work hard and perhaps work hard for many years, shouldn’t that work be fulfilling? And if it is not fulfilling, is it possible to be exceptional at it? I do not think so, but that is not really what makes me sad. What makes me sad is that people spend a lifetime doing something they do not like only to find themselves inevitably feeling like they wasted their lives doing something that did not really matter to them. In other words, they did not live authentically. Of course, we all must do whatever it takes to put food on the table and pay our rent, but please find time to do the things that fulfill your soul. Do the work to understand what it is that you find fulfilling and then do it.

This is your life. You deserve good things.

VZ - 2022 Quotes (29)

Are You Stuck Because You’re Afraid?

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Yesterday’s post was this quote from Wayne Dyer:  You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be.  That is a powerful quote and a reminder that we are in command of our own lives.  If we’re not where we want to be, the answers aren’t “out there,” they’re within you.  Within all of us.

It’s easy to find excuses when things aren’t where we want them to be, but no matter what we come up with, the real issue is fear.  The things we say to ourselves might sound like the following:

  • I can’t leave now, I’m getting a bonus (in 8 months).
  • I don’t want to tell them I’m interested in that higher-level position because they’ll just say no.
  • The job of my dreams requires a degree and that’s impossible.
  • Sure, I’ll look into it (but then you don’t)
  • I wanted to apply, but I missed the deadline
  • The kids start school soon and I shouldn’t do something new now
  • They’ll never see me that way
  • They don’t like me

Now I want to clarify that just because someone doesn’t do new things doesn’t mean they’re stuck.  If someone is doing the same thing for years, but really enjoying it, that’s fantastic.  There’s nothing better than seeing someone doing what they love.  It’s the best.

If on the other hand, you are stuck and miserable and everyone knows you’re miserable, then that requires some self-reflection and some personal accountability.  The person that’s choosing this path is you.  It’s your choice.  You can either accept that or change your path.

People who don’t accept accountability usually blame everyone else.  They don’t like me, they can’t see me that way, I don’t have the right clothes, etc.

It takes courage to look within and admit that the only one stopping you is you.  If you really want to go forward, take some time to think about what you’re afraid of and why it’s stopping you in your tracks.  The reality is the following (all internal statements):

  • I’m afraid I’ll fail. (What if you don’t?)
  • I don’t have the confidence to go for the job. (What will it take to be more confident?)
  • They’ll never see me that way or they don’t like me. (How will you know if you don’t try?)

It breaks my heart when people are stuck for years, but it’s a choice and we all must live our own lives.  If you’re stuck, you’re afraid and you owe it to yourself to understand what you’re afraid of.  I hope you can let that fear go at some point; it’s not serving you.

I am closing with Marianne Williamson’s quote about fear.  I hope it inspires you in some way, it inspires me every time I read it.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

That is powerful my friends.  You weren’t put here to play small and let your dreams die on the vine.  Take some time to think about what you’re afraid of (my book can help!) and live the life you were meant to live.

Be well.

 

 

VZ - 2022 Quotes (22)

Yes, You’re Busy, But Are You Productive?

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Since leaving a regular, full-time role (I cannot bring myself to say “retired”), I’ve done a lot of self-reflection.  Admittedly I am a self-reflective person anyway, but lately, I’ve dug into some of the things I’ve been avoiding coming to terms with for myself.  Being busy is one of “those things”.

I’m a master at being busy; I am always busy doing something.  I love checklists and ticking off the boxes as I go through my day.  But after a lot of self-reflection, I realize that I’ve been busy doing many things, but have made little progress on the things that really matter most to me.  I can spot this issue in my clients from a mile away, but I have been avoiding acknowledging this is an issue for me too.

Now that I’m clearly aware that I’ve been avoiding doing some things that are important to me, I’ve got to understand “why” I’m avoiding these things.  I have been trying to protect my time so that I can do things just for fun.  I’m not great at fun; it’s a chore for me to just “be”.  I’ve made great strides in the last two years, but it’s still a challenge.  I know that I can protect my personal time and do the work that’s important to me so it’s time for me to increase my discipline in my scheduling and work at it every week.

Here are a few things I’m doing that will help me increase my productivity:

  • Documenting my highest priority projects for the week in my calendar.
  • Building in time during the week to complete essential tasks. I’m a morning person so I have scheduled the time during my most productive hours of the day.
  • Looking back at the week and being honest about whether I accomplished the highest priority items and assessing if I’ve missed anything.

Priorities are personal and you must define what is most important for you.  If relaxing more is a priority, then make sure you consider what that will look like for you and schedule that time for yourself.  If you’re striving to acquire some learning or you want to be a better partner, schedule that time and then assess whether you spent your time on that priority.  Be honest with yourself and if you didn’t meet your goals, then consider where you lost your way and commit to staying on track next week.

I believe we’re all trying to attend to the important things in our lives, but often we don’t because we are too “busy”.  This is what I meant by my post yesterday: “Manage Your List of Things to Do or It Will Manage You”.

My hope for you is that you will use your time and energy on the things that matter most to you and let go of some of the things that aren’t serving you well.  This is my hope for myself as well.

Hope you all have a great week!

VZ - 2022 Quotes (19)

83,000 Hours Is a Long Time to Spend in a “Job”

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I wonder sometimes if we are becoming increasingly cynical about work.  I can certainly understand why this might be the case; people are working harder than ever, and the demands keep piling up.  In many cases, people feel like the end of the tunnel keeps getting moved so that the end is never in sight.  I get it.

I will never believe that work can’t be a source of joy regardless of where you sit in the organization.  I know that to some people this sounds a little pollyannaish, but I’ll go to my grave believing that we all deserve joy in work, and we all play a role in creating it for ourselves.

It hurts my heart to think that people can accept that a huge part of their waking lives (and a good part of your subconscious as well) can be devoted to just a means to an end.  I’ve seen posts on LinkedIn suggesting that trying to find your purpose or feeling joy at work is unnecessary because “it’s just a job.”

For me personally, I’ve had “jobs” that weren’t particularly fulfilling.  I started out working for a small food company and my job was to sit in a smoke-filled office and take phone orders for soup base.  Most people don’t even know what that is, but I can tell you that if you go to restaurants, you’re eating it more times than not.  So how did I find “joy” in a job like that?  Here are a few things I did to see it for something other than just a job:

I Rewarded Myself for Learning:

I mentally rewarded myself for learning new things and for getting more responsibility. Sometimes this was nothing more than a thought (“you go girl!”).  Unfortunately, in my case, I learned things by getting yelled at by the office manager or by a chef at a Chicago Restaurant for doing something wrong.  Nonetheless, I made it a point to not repeat mistakes and to chalk it up to learning.

Advice:  Keep learning and know that mistakes happen.  You don’t have to beat yourself up when they happen, just learn from them, don’t repeat them, and move on.

I Took Time to Know People:

I was only eighteen when I started my first full-time job.  I’ve always been fascinated by people so learning about them through small talk has always been fun for me.  I won’t say it’s been easy because I am quite an introvert, but once I started seeing people as just people, I became less intimidated by them and learned to appreciate that all of us have had challenges in life and we all want to have less of them going forward.

Advice:  Take time to know the people with whom you work and let them know you a bit as well.  You spend most of your waking days with these people and it’s truly possible that one day you will look back and say that some of them are your very dearest friends.

I Kept My Dreams Alive:

While I’ve never aspired to hold a certain position or level, I have always known when it was time to try something else and when that time came, I would have the guts to move on.  I could never have planned the career I had; it was better than my dreams but looking back I can tell you that all of the “jobs” I had led me to the job of my dreams.

Advice:  Listen to your heart when it tells you that you deserve better, can do more or that you’re not fulfilled.  I know that your heart speaks to you, but sadly when we get really busy, we often don’t listen.

I Wanted To Excel:

Whatever you do, do your work with pride and excellence.  It doesn’t matter if no one else knows all the mountains you moved to get something done, but it will always matter to you.  There’s nothing better than being able to look back at your career and say with certainty that you’re proud of your work.

Advice:  Do your best every day.  Some days you might bat 1000 and some days you might bat 400 or less.  Just do your best; no one can ask more of you.  And know that good enough is indeed good enough more times than not.  If you can turn around something in 24 hours that’s an A, but it’ll take you three weeks to get an A+ but delay everyone else, let it go, and be proud of the A!

I Had to Laugh:

Laughter is important to me and it’s a requirement at work.  I believe that work can and should be fun and if you’re working with great people, laughter will get you through some very challenging times.

Advice:  Work with people who you get and who get you.  You have choices where you work.

I Created Joy:

You create joy in your life and work and you can do the same for others.

Advice:  If you want joy, define it for yourself and then bring it to life at work.  If you can’t, you’re not working where you should be.  Know that you can change someone else’s experience at work by being a trusting and caring colleague.

You deserve joy and fulfillment at work.  I hope you demand it for yourself and for your 83,000 hours.

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